I am afraid, which makes me brave.

So much has happened in my life in the past year. I spent most of it hiding. I did not trust God and I did not recognize the beauty and horror of what trusting God actually means; it sometimes means death and suffering and complete lack of control. In Romans 8:12-17 Paul gives a picture of what trusting God looks like, what loving God looks like, specifically in verse 15: “For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father”.”

     Fear is a powerful thing and it has controlled a lot of my life recently. I would have never described myself as fearful growing up. I loved adrenaline rushes and I would not let myself or others be treated poorly. It was easy to be brave when I had nothing to lose. Family, friends, houses, jobs, school, books, etc. were all constant security blankets that I had for 19 years of my life; there were struggles with depression and anxiety but I was never fearful with my actions (I was very selfish at times, but not really fearful). When the security blankets were peeled off one by one I was exposed, maybe for the first time, and responded in fear; angry words and shutting out friends and never leaving my bed became the norm. Possibly the worst part of it was how certain I was that I was fine, I was dealing, and I trusted God. I not only thought that I “trusted God” but I meant it. Trusting God meant grasping for control, fistfighting nothing as I fell down a hole. Trusting God meant not trusting anyone in my life. Trusting God meant telling myself over and over again that I was in control of my life. Through meaningful conversations, months of therapy, and a class on Romans I realized the horrific truth that was I did not trust God; more than that though, I did not know what trusting God meant.

    Paul might not had directly addressed trusting God but all throughout Romans it is addressed indirectly. In Chapter 4, Paul indirectly makes the case for trusting in God because God keeps His promises (Abraham and his son), He keeps promises that he made when the recipient did nothing to earn that promise. Abraham could not control what God would do, he could only truth that God would keep His word. In chapter 5, Paul expounds on how Christ did not just die for his disciples or for believers, he died for his enemies and for the people that killed him. God is trustworthy because His love for us is a love that died and rose again. In chapter 6, Paul talks about how we are free by being slaves to God. God is trustworthy because He has all the control. Loving Him means giving in, means submitting, means obeying, means trusting. Chapter 8 is where I was struck the most with a sense of disgust for my lack of trust in God. Verses 31-39 are all on how much we/I have going for us/me. “He didn't even spare His own Son, but offered Him up for us all.” He didn't even spare his own Son. That has stuck in my head since the day I read it. Why would I not trust God? What in my life has shown that He isn't trustworthy? What could possibly hold me back from His love? He didn't even spare his own son on our/my behalf. That should stop you in your tracks. That should be screamed from the rooftops. That should be embraced and lived out in every way possible. Paul stresses over and over again how christians should be so much better than they are. God deserves to have our trust, He has never done anything that could make us doubt his love.

    So back to 8:15, I am not just supposed to love and trust God, but the Spirit of life empowers me to cry out to the father. “Nevertheless not my will, but yours.” That picture of Jesus isn't of him kindly and quietly praying to God, calmly agreeing to go along with the Father’s plan. Jesus is crying, sweating, and fearful. He cried out and begs God to find another way but still ends on “Nevertheless not my will, but yours.” The way that Jesus cried out I can cry out. The way that Jesus was afraid, I can be afraid. Jesus did not let the fear control him, he did what he needed to do, which was the father’s will. I can be afraid, I can beg for something different, but at the end of the day it is not my will that needs to be done, it's God’s.

    I think Paul uses the love and trustworthiness of God to show overarching ideas throughout Romans, one of which is clearly discussed in chapters 8-11. Paul shows all that God has done for the Christians. He has done so much and yet we still fail. I think in a way Paul is warning the church not to end up like Israelites ended up in Isaiah 5, with the farmer giving up on the vineyard. The church has so much going for it, Romans chapter 8 is a long list of things that God has provided for the people. How could it still fail? In a more personal way, how could I not trust and love God after everything he has done for me over my lifetime. Everything I need to flourish has been provided for me, how could I still go run and hide?

“You needn't worry about not feeling brave. Our Lord didn't” always feel brave. What you need to worry about is not giving into the fear.      -C.S. Lewis and Hannah Snyder